HOW TO MAKE KEVIN'S MOM'S SPAGHETTI SAUCE

This is Kevin...

And here is his mom's spaghetti sauce recipe. Go:



Stuff you need:

• Big ass can of tomatoes (I believe it's 26oz)
• Two of those little cans of tomato paste
• An onion. The bigger the better
• Garlic (Real garlic. None of that garlic powder bullshit)
• Olive oil
• Vegetables. I recommend a zucchini, a few carrots, and a pepper. The color of the pepper shouldn't matter. It's 2012. Obama's in the White House.
• Two sugar packets. Just steal them from Dunks.
• Seasonings. Which kind are entirely up to you and your palette. I recommend oregano, chili powder, black pepper, thyme, rosemary, and Bell's seasoning.
• Meat (Optional, I guess)

How to make the fucking thing:

Get a pot. Not sweet Mary Jane, but a big pot for cooking. Pour a bit of olive oil in (enough to coat the bottom), and turn on your stove to medium to medium-high heat. If you're going to add meat, now's the time to do it. Ground beef or Italian sausage meat works best, although ground turkey is a fine alternative. On my most recent occasion of cooking this sauce it was a scorching summer day so I chose to omit the meat entirely as meat makes it a much thicker, heavier sauce.

Ok, so now you've browned your meat. Congratulations! Next, drain the meat from the pot or else your sauce will be as greasy and oily as the country from whence it came. That may come across as a dig on Italians but you'd be wrong. This recipe hails from my Irish grandmother...who got it from an Italian. After you've dumped your meat out of the pot and into a colander, throw all of your delicious vegetables into the
pot. The onion, the garlic (however much garlic is up to you. I use a lot. Like, a whole lot. Like I'm fearing
oral rape from a vampire), and your other vegetables. Chop 'em all up as fine as possible or else your sauce will resemble a stew. A delicious stew.

SIDE NOTE: If you have any red wine sitting around and you've decided to cook with meat, pour some in between draining out the meat and adding your vegetables. It will deglaze the bottom of the pot a bit and add some amazing concentrated flavor to the sauce. If you either don't have alcohol in your house or you don't eat meat...go fuck yourself.

OK, so now your vegetables are in the pot. Lower the heat to medium. Don't try to cook them thoroughly, just let them all sweat and get tender. When they're looking good, dump the meat back in if you're cooking with it, and add your big ass can of tomatoes. I tend to use a can of diced tomatoes, but you can use a can of chopped tomatoes or peeled whole tomatoes if you like your sauce clumpier. After emptying the can into the pot, fill the can back up with cold water and add that, too. NEVER COOK WITH HOT WATER FROM THE TAP! I can't stress this enough. It's been sitting in your hot water heater all day and consuming it is gross. Anyone who says that using hot water speeds up the cooking time a couple minutes is an impatient douche-bag.

Keep the stove on medium heat and stir on occasion until you've brought it all to a boil. This is as good a time as any to add your seasonings. Again, which seasonings are entirely up to you but oregano is a definite must. Bell's seasoning is great as it's a combination of several spices but it can be a tad overwhelming when used with other spices so add it in conservatively at first. When everything's boiling nicely, add your tomato paste. Make sure to stir up the pot thoroughly after adding it because paste is thick as hell. When the sauce is back up to a boil, add your sugar. It seems weird, but it helps cut down on the acidity of the
sauce. If you enjoy tangy sauce and heartburn then feel free to skip the sugar but you'll regret it.

At this point, you're going to want to turn the heat down to low and start simmering. Make sure the heat isn't so low that the sauce isn't bubbling anymore. That's just too low.

And now the waiting game begins...

This is when the sauce starts to become time-consuming. It needs to cook down for at least 90 minutes from this point, being stirred every 15 minutes or so. Crack open a beer or five, put on a good gangster flick, invite some friends over, whatever.

(Kris Jenson's DigBoston AFI 100 Movie Nights http://digboston.com/watch/2012/06/afi-100-32-the-godfather-part-ii/)

 
You've got time is what I'm saying. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES START PLAYING SKYRIM AT THIS POINT! YOU WILL BURN THE SAUCE!

While it's simmering, take the occasional taste and decide if it needs more seasoning. A boring, underseasoned spaghetti sauce is a crime in some countries. After at least 90 minutes of simmering (I recommend 2-2 1/2 hours) you will have the most incredible homemade spaghetti sauce!

This recipe is also multi-purpose! Try adding only half a can full of water, throw in some chopped jalapenos and liberally add Frank's hot sauce for quite an awesome chili that goes splendidly well over white rice!

Well, I hope you enjoy this very easy, very cheap to make sauce! It will make you want to go to the grocery store and smash every jar of those bullshit mass-produced factory made inferior sauces! Except for Paul Newman's. The man was a saint and those sales go to charity. There's nothing cool or punk about fucking with charity.

Keep on rockin' and rollin' in your colon!

Love,
Kevin

(photos by Sarah Sparks)